We’ve been communicating all our lives, so why can it be so darn difficult? And what might we do to make it easier?
When I was in college I took an excellent course in interpersonal communication. (I still have the textbook.) And it really opened my
eyes to the complexities of this ancient human challenge.
For instance, take dyadic conversation, which is between just two people, you and someone else. Now, this is our most personal, common, informal, and immersive form of communicating. Whether a personal chat with someone close to you, or a one on one business meeting, it’s tricky, because there’s not actually one conversation, but six. I’ll explain.
1. There’s your version of what you think you’re saying.
2. Your interpretation of what they hear or how they’re processing it.
3. Your awareness and feelings about how they’re perceiving you at this moment.
4. Simultaneously, there’s their actual ability to understand the words and meaning you’re trying to convey.
5. Their opinions and subsequent thoughts about what they’re hearing, including their strategy of what to say.
6. What they think you’re thinking about them at this moment. Now, all of this is happening at once in your minds and shared experience, and to make it even more difficult… there’s the pressure of limited focus and limited time. Real time distractions and the delusion that you can converse while multitasking.
Interruptions from all angles, especially our screens. Tangents that take you well off the intended topic. And the various modes we use to communicate. In person, being our main focus here, and also phone, voice or video, text, and email, each with their own challenges.
Because we’re humans, we will never have perfect conversations, but what if we could have increasingly better conversations?
Here are six ways to do that.
1. Instead of winging it, go into conversations with a plan or clear intention.
2. First connect, locking into presence before entering meaningful communication.
3. Start with agreements for important topics, allotted time, and the intended goal for this encounter.
4. Confirm understanding both ways by summarizing what you hear, and requesting that they do the same.
5. When tangents take off, stop them, to get back on track. Because remember, you’ve agreed on time, topics, and goals.
6. And last, end with appreciation, for them personally, and for their focused, thoughtful participation.
Like tennis, communication is an activity of exchange, most enjoyable when both players are skilled and committed. That’s not always
the case, so sometimes you’ll need to manage expectations and model what you hope to draw out of your partner. Use these techniques to bring those six conversations into better alignment while advancing intentions and improving relationships.
Until next week, stay Off Balance On Purpose.
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